Running From Demons

Photo by Tim Meigs

Running has always been something that has brought me a lot of joy. Even in the toughest times in my life, I have been able to escape into my own world and be set free on a run. But there are times you can’t escape the darkness. No matter how hard I ran, it would chase me and consume me. Soon the entity that use to be a paradise, would become a nightmare as well.

People who know me, don’t know I struggle daily with depression and anxiety. Something that stemmed from my childhood days. I was usually the odd one in the group and would be jeered at for it. I would take these slights personally, trying to fight back but would never really talk about it to anybody. When I went to college, the depression hit an absolute high and I attempted to take my life a few times. During this time, my running was suffering. No matter what I did, I could not practice or race up to my potential. I felt the failure consuming me, and that no matter how hard I tried that I could not win.

Fortunately, Winthrop University has the best health services department, and with the encouragement from my collegiate coach, friends, and my church family I sat down with Dr. Sankofa. After many sessions, I felt empowered. I was able to get this swagger about me. I remember him telling me there are always two identities in you, and the one you want to be has the be stronger than the one who brings you down. We focused on empowering my strengths and overcoming my adversities. Within the next year, I had garnered All-Conference honors in Cross Country and Indoor track. By my senior year, I had put my  depression on the back burner of my life and running, school, and social life were flourishing.

Needless to say, depression doesn’t work on your schedule. It attacks you hard, even when you think you are ready. The times you start to struggle and it hits, makes those struggles even worse. I was able to manage it mostly through the early stages of my post-collegiate running career, but 2015 was the beginning of a rollercoaster of rough days. It all started with a posterior tibialis injury, then immediately getting the flu, followed by a 5 month layoff from hard training with mono. All in all, I thought my career was done.

Luckily I found a new coach, somebody who had faith in my goals. This was a glimmer of light in the darkness that consumed me. And together we found my way back to running. During this time I worked multiple jobs, till I found myself full-time at the running store here in Spartanburg. I would put on a mask going to work so people would not see me hurting. For me, I did not want people to see me as weak. I have this lone wolf mentality, where I don’t want help. But then when I hit that breaking point, I sometimes wonder if I waited to late. I would find myself back in another doctor’s office to beat the battles of feeling weak. Session after session resulted in a similar result as college, me feeling confident and able to be the workhorse I know I can be.

What was this result? A 26th place at USATF Club Cross Country Championships in 2016. With around 15-20 of the finishers ahead of me being full-time athletes. But yet again I have sunken back to old ways of running poorly, relationships suffering, and just feeling overwhelmed with life. Month after month in 2017 was full of some glimmers of hope, but mostly disappointment in my mind.

Things came to flourishion this past Friday at Raleigh Relays. After a rough week, probably one of the toughest mental battles of a week I have dealt with dealing with work, personal, and running all hitting at once…..I could not overcome my anxiety or depression on race day. All day I could barely stomach food, was shaking, and even threw up three times during the warmup. At 2k into the 5k, I stepped off the track completely defeated. With my girlfriend, Sammy George,  and her mother at my side, I broke down as I was sitting there. Opening up about my depression to them on how hard it has been hitting me. I walked away aware of one thing: this isn’t going away, and because of that, I am going to fight like hell.

With every setback, I have found a way to climb back to my pinnacle. I will not allow this to pull me off the course of my dreams anymore. Sometimes you need reminders that you need help, that you need to work harder. Here is mine. I will be back, and you will want to be there to see it.